Help! Self-Harm Becomes Addictive

I missed out on the 2018 addiction forum, but I heard there were many topics and suggestions on how to overcome addiction. If ever I got the chance to attend, perhaps I can find some things that will help my situation right now.

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I was diagnosed with clinical depression three years ago. Though I must say, I like myself for keeping up with the struggle this whole time. All the stress and anxiety, everything is just too much. But I am still surviving it, and I am proud of myself for that. But speaking of survival, I wish I can figure out how to get out of the mess I am right now. It seems like I only managed to slightly get rid of my mental disorder by diverting it into another condition. Currently, I became addicted to self-harm.

Asking me why I did that will get you nowhere. For me, it is not an action that is addictive. The truth is, the feeling of relief that comes after the pain is the satisfying one. It seems like I get accustomed to experiencing other things rather than only focusing on psychological and emotional distress. The depression I have is now accompanied by physical self-destruction. Honestly, it is kind of scary, but I happened to like it.

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Self-harm for me became a distraction from the emotional and psychological nothingness. It became a fall-back system where I find amusing. It makes me happy and a little contented even though it physically hurts. My body is craving for it, and I can’t stop myself from doing it. Yes, I understand I am not making any sense. But, who knows?

I understand the need for urgent psychological treatment right now. Because I know if this will not end, something will. For people out there who experience the same, please make the right choice and get help.